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SAABP - Substance Abusers Anonymous for Baseball Players

Aug 25 2005 03:18 PM
Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Aug 25 2005 06:26 PM

Let's call this meeting to order. This is Substance Abusers Anonymous for Baseball Players. As you know, I'm David Wells, Boston Red Sox, who threw a perfect game while half-drunk.

Get on with it already, you overweight tub of lard.

I wouldn't talk if I were you, Sidney.

That's Sir Sidney Ponson to you, greaseball.

You can't even throw a fastball, let alone a greaseball, lumpy.

You guys gotta, like, chill out man... embrace the whoa-ness of life like I did, dudes...

You all know Mark Corey, who with the Mets had an unfortunate episode in the Shea Stadium parking lot after smoking weed as usual...


And now for roll call. Barry?

Shut up.

Jason Giambi?

I won't admit I'm here, but I will say that I'm not somewhere else.


I don't know how I got here, but I'm prepared to participate fully in this meeting.

Julio Lugo?

She didn't mean nothin' when she called the police, I swear!

Right... Sheff? Sheff? Gary Sheffield, are you here?

Um... Sheff's out looking for his degenerate uncle Dwight Gooden in every known Tampa crackhouse. He should have been here by now though...

Lemme tell ya, he's got his work cut out for him... Tampa's got a lot of crackhouses, whorehouses, warehouses, courthouses...

Well, maybe we should just...

...steakhouses, wafflehouses... ooh, those are good... firehouses...

Greenhouses! They got lots of nice doobies there!

Shut up, fools!

A-hem-hem! As I was saying, we should adjourn this meeting and go help Sheff find our brother in substance abuse, Dwight Gooden. Let's roll, fellas!

Aug 25 2005 03:43 PM

Nice job, kid :)

Aug 25 2005 03:47 PM

I'd like to thank JD for the format idea and also Dwight Gooden and Sidney Ponson for being dumb enough to give me the content idea.

Aug 25 2005 03:49 PM

It's never a bad strategy to learn from the masters <g>

Johnny Dickshot
Aug 25 2005 04:10 PM

I realized only halfway through that I was ripping off from the Dugout.


Aug 25 2005 07:01 PM

I'm here, suckas! Huh? Where'd y'all go?

Gary Sheffield reads a note left on a table...

Sheff - went to Tampa to help find your uncle Doc.


Aw, hell no! I know who the leader is, and he ain't lookin' 'round Tampa gutters no more.

Aug 25 2005 07:23 PM

That's great!

Love this - You guys gotta, like, chill out man... embrace the whoa-ness of life like I did, dudes...

Aug 26 2005 12:05 PM

What up, suckas? Ain't any one of you got the news? My Uncle Doc's done turned himself in already. What're y'all still doing down here in Tampa?

Nice of you to show up, turdwipe.

Who you callin' a turd, flapjack?

Hey man... this is some good shit... hee hee! Oh Sheff, Sheff, glad you're here, you gotta thank your cousin for me... yeah...

The hell is you talkin' 'bout, you high-off-your-ass fart-knocker?

Yup, *burp* here it comes...

So, like, you know how your cousin, Dwight Jr. got like, done in by the MAN last week or whatever? So like, me and um, Julio went down to the impound and broke in and got his weed back for him! Hope he doesn't mind that we... hee hee! Um, took a little taste... actually we ate it all so nobody would find it on us... heeheehaha!!!

SHH!!!!! Don't tell nobody!!!

Aww HELL no!!! What about them bullets?

What you gonna do with bullets without a gun, fool?

Those weren't any old rounds, gimpy. They got screw-off tops, that's where Uncle Doc keeps his coke!

Umm... oops...

You fat little drunk-ass, you ATE them, didn't you? All right, we gotta make you throw that crap up. Boomer, you gotta hop on that overgrown belly o' his. Jump, jellybean, jump!


Let's see what we got here... here them bullets... oh snap, fatso, how'd you fit Joey Eischen down there?


That boy crazy as hell!

Hey there, Joey! You want to try some... OWWW!!!!! He bit me!!!

RAWRRR!!!!!!!! RAWrrr.....

That sedative should do the trick. Don't ask me how I got the needle, it just appeared out of nowhere and I didn't know what was in it, I swear...

Quit your blabberin' and let's drag this boy out of here! I got us on the next flight out of Tampa, so let's get a goddamn move on, playas!

Aug 26 2005 12:36 PM

All comments, critiques, and ideas are welcome.

Actually, I'm encouraging them. Please, read this thread. I'm quite proud of it.

Aug 26 2005 12:59 PM

="Valadius"]All comments, critiques, and ideas are welcome.

Ok, the posts were too long. Eveybody knows that substance abuse programs usually involve only 12 steps.


Great stuff.

EDIT: But if this was part of your program, now you have to post one per day.
One day at a time.