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We need a humor thread ...

KC
Jun 08 2005 11:54 AM

metirish
Jun 08 2005 11:57 AM

very cool KC,
:lol:

Willets Point
Jun 08 2005 12:27 PM

Darth Vader on Wheel of Fortune.

ScarletKnight41
Jun 08 2005 03:33 PM

Thanks Willets - I passed that link along to my daughter, and she LOVED it <g>

Willets Point
Jun 08 2005 03:45 PM

Great front page today from that bastion of journalism, the Boston Herald.



For what it's worth, I work in Allston and have never seen any rats there.

cooby
Jun 08 2005 03:47 PM

That woman seems to have no problem catching and holding one

holychicken
Jun 08 2005 03:48 PM

I lived in Allston and saw plenty of rats. Although, I imagine those people are from LA (Lower Allston) which is closer to Harvard. . .so maybe it is worse down there. . . but they also look like they just want to be angry about something. And that old guy looks like he just wanted to be in the picture.

Willets Point
Jun 08 2005 03:49 PM

I love the headline. I love the picture. I love that page 2 is apparently the "Allegations" section of the newspaper. I love that they spelled "dis" wrong. This is why newspapers need to be kept alive.

metirish
Jun 08 2005 11:23 PM

Love this picture...what is it about the Cubs and Cats?

metirish
Jun 15 2005 09:52 AM

Are people really this stupid?.
How do these people survive?


ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding t! he bar c ode she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier r machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.


NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to t! ake her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

Edgy DC
Jun 15 2005 10:09 AM
Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Jun 15 2005 10:27 AM

See, this starts off as if it's you, metsirish, writing, but it soon becomes obvious that it's a cut-and-paste job.

I feel fairly confident that the original author did not have as many of these experiences first hand as he or she claims to, but is rather passing on lore.

metirish
Jun 15 2005 10:17 AM

Very true, certainly I wasn't trying to pass myself off as the person that experienced these, and yeah these e-mails are all over the place.

Willets Point
Jun 15 2005 10:20 AM

Most of these are just jokes, but number eight is a well-known urban legend.

cooby
Jun 15 2005 10:23 AM

I tried to post "Zits" again the other night, but it still doesn't work.

But maybe I'm the only one that would appreciate the humor in a comic about a Mom, Dad, and teenaged son anyway

Yancy Street Gang
Jun 15 2005 10:31 AM

I love Zits.

Which strip were you referring to, cooby?

cooby
Jun 15 2005 10:34 AM

!!!
I think it was Monday, Mom and Jeremy came home from clothes shopping slamming doors and a sympathetic dad asks her if he should wait until she's done with her wine before he asks her how it went. The look on her face is so funny...


I swear they are watching us.

ScarletKnight41
Jun 15 2005 03:52 PM

From Letterman -



Top Ten Messages Left On Michael Jackson's Answering Machine

10. "It's Tito--congratulations. Could I borrow 50 bucks?"

9. "Barbara Walters here. I'll double any interview offer and throw in a giraffe"

8. "This is the courthouse lost and found. Can you describe the nose in question?"

7. "This is your bank--curious about the 12 checks you wrote for 'jury bribes'"

6. "This is your neighbor. Could you please send someone to get your chimp out of my pool?"

5. "Happy Father's Day from the lab where we artifically inseminated your sham wife"

4. "Change your outgoing message, dude--'Thriller' was like 20 years ago"

3. It's Martha. Disregard the letter with cell-decorating tips"

2. "Tom Cruise here. I'm calling every person in America to tell them I'm in love with Katie Holmes"

1. "Hi, it's Saddam Hussein. Now how do I get one of them idiot juries?"

ScarletKnight41
Jun 17 2005 07:02 PM

ScarletKnight41
Jun 18 2005 07:29 PM

I know that we have discussed this topic in the past -


Willets Point
Jun 18 2005 09:22 PM

I think it was Centerfield who wrote a great essay on why the Rudolph story is evil, all about someone with a physical defect being shunned until he proved economically useful

ScarletKnight41
Jun 18 2005 09:24 PM

While you know that I love and respect CF, I'm pretty sure that I was the author of the rant against Rudolph. Although there was a lot of great commentary on that thread.

Willets Point
Jun 18 2005 09:32 PM

Well, consider it a compliment that you were mistaken for the king.

seawolf17
Jun 21 2005 09:07 AM

Courtesy of [url=http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/]Overheard In New York[/url]:

Store guy: I love maps! I could look at maps all day. Maps, and Playboy.

--Barnes & Noble, W. 82nd Street

Guy #1: Dude, did you hear? Another helicopter crashed into the East River.
Guy #2: Man, that would suck. The East River is just dirty and nasty.
Guy #1: Shit yeah. It's full of floatin' helicopters.


--2 train

Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in beeyotch."
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?


--1 train

Edgy DC
Jun 21 2005 09:32 AM

OK, so sometimes I miss New York.

Centerfield
Jun 21 2005 12:23 PM

That was a fun thread. I was representing Rudolph at the time and tried to negotiate a better deal for my client. Unfortunately Santa employs the services of that crook Norrin Radd who made nearly impossible to reach an amicable resolution. We were, in the end, able to settle the matter, but not before extensive name calling and lots of hurt feelings.

Cookie mentioned how it was a bad story, then we all added our own problems with the story. I don't know where I heard it first, though I remember my friend Marlen mentioning years ago that, put in the same situation, he didn't think he'd be able to work with those same reindeer who had abused him all those years. I took it one step further and called Santa a self-serving hypocrite for turning a blind eye during that time. This dickshot is supposed to be the guy who knows everything about kids all over the world but can't keep order in his own household. Those reindeer should have been punished with all the other coal-receiving delinquents...but because he's interested in keeping his own schedule he never did a thing about it. Those reindeer never should have been allowed to pull that sleigh...I don't care if they were the fastest..I don't care if he has to start his deliveries on the 23rd, you do not employ evil reindeer when you're in the business of judging other people's children. And let's face it, if they were the type of reindeer to make fun of Rudolph, I'm sure they were probably juicing anyway.

If I'm Rudolph, there's no way I help out that fuckhead when he comes calling. I leave him a nice pile of reindeer crap on his sleigh and say "Hey Santa, what can brown do for you?"

ScarletKnight41
Jun 21 2005 02:02 PM

IIRC, the thread started with cooby telling everyone that Rudolph was going to be on television that day or week. I went into my rant, and then The King took over admirably from there. It was one of those threads that I couldn't explain to D-Dad because every time I tried, I'd start cracking up hysterically.

Edgy DC
Jun 21 2005 05:39 PM

Angy Alien added Pulp Fiction to their roster. They're now working for something called Starz on Demand, so I can't get at their Highlander adaptation.

ScarletKnight41
Jun 21 2005 06:04 PM

Where was that thread about water? I wanted to show it to my friend, and I couldn't find it. If it was on the old board, I guess it's lost to us.

metirish
Jun 22 2005 09:55 AM

cooby
Jun 22 2005 10:17 AM

I don't find that funny at all.

soupcan
Jun 22 2005 10:26 AM

I thought it was just me and I was embarassed that I didn't get it.

Edgy DC
Jun 22 2005 10:27 AM

I can't see it.

metirish
Jun 22 2005 12:07 PM

yeah, whyis it that I have trouble posting pictures at times...I wanted to post this..

http://www.roadtripamerica.com/signs/rattlesnakes.htm

Edgy DC
Jun 22 2005 12:34 PM

It was probably the bunnies peeps didn't find funny.

Willets Point
Jun 22 2005 12:37 PM

What bunnies? I just see a port-a-john with a Caution: Rattlesnakes sign.

ScarletKnight41
Jun 22 2005 01:04 PM

I thought the Pulp Fiction bunnies were hysterical.

ScarletKnight41
Jun 22 2005 03:48 PM

[url=http://www.privatehand.com/flash/elements.html]Tom Lehrer's The Elements, With Animation[/url]

cooby
Jun 22 2005 10:06 PM

Okay, now I get what you bunnymaniacs are talking about...

Johnny Dickshot
Jun 23 2005 07:14 AM

This is Beetle
He's as best as can
And he knows
He's the best

ScarletKnight41
Jun 23 2005 09:26 AM

Centerfield
Jun 23 2005 10:21 AM

Those bunnies rock.

Edgy DC
Jun 23 2005 10:35 AM

Jaws and The Exorcist are my co-favotites. Titanic, despite it's source, gets credit for all the screaming and for the Billy Zane Bunny crying that he has a baby.

Centerfield
Jun 23 2005 11:21 AM

The Billy Zane bunny made me laugh so hard people walking by looked at me funny.

ScarletKnight41
Jun 23 2005 11:30 AM

That's usually how people look at me when I've been reading your posts ;)

ScarletKnight41
Jun 24 2005 03:00 PM

[url=http://www.dhmo.org/]Here's the Water One[/url]

I had forgotten that it had a thread of its own. It's hard finding things when the subject doesn't clue you into what's in the thread, but I tripped upon it today.

ScarletKnight41
Jun 25 2005 03:21 AM

Willets Point
Jun 27 2005 10:02 AM

A friend of mine emailed me this:

] Lord of the Rings, according to Microsoft Word Spelling & Grammar Check
(with apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien)

....

Ear was there, and several others were seated in silence about him. Ford saw
Glob and Groin; and in a corner alone Arab was sitting, clad in his old
travel-worn clothes again. Ear drew Ford to a seat by his side, and
presented him to the company, saying:

“Here, my friends, is the habit, Ford son of Drool. Few have ever come
hither through greater peril or on an errand more urgent.”

He then pointed out and named those whom Ford had not met before. There was
a younger dart at Groin's side: his son Gimlet. Beside Glob there were
several other counselors of Ear's household, of whom Erector was the chief;
and with him was Galore, an Elk from the Grey Havens who had come on an
errand from Circa the Shipwright. There was also a strange Elk clad in green
and brown, Legalese, a messenger from his father, Tranquil, the King of the
Elks of Northern Kirkwood. And seated a little apart was a tall man with a
fair and noble face, dark-haired and grey-eyed, proud and stern of glance.

“Here,” said Ear, turning to Gander, “is Boomer, a man from the South.”

seawolf17
Jul 07 2005 06:53 AM

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

metirish
Jul 07 2005 11:52 AM

very funny seawolf, good one..

Edgy DC
Jul 11 2005 09:14 AM
Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Jul 11 2005 11:12 AM

"Overheard in New York" is killing me.

July 11, 2005
Sounds Like You're Not a Model for Anyone

Pretty boy: Well, it's good money, but I don't want to do it too much, because I don't want people to think I'm like them.

Unpretty boy: Who, the other male models?

Pretty boy: I am not a male model! I am an actor! I just do it for the money.

Unpretty boy: Sure, sure, it's just a gig, man.

Pretty boy: I am not a male model!

July 10, 2005
Does He Mean That We're Baked or That We're Twisted?

Pretzel guy: Where are you from?

Man: I'm from here...I'm Jewish.

Pretzel guy: All Jewish people know where pretzels are from! What country do pretzels come from?

Man: I don't know, where do pretzels come from?

Pretzel guy: All Jewish people know where pretzels come from! I had a Canadian guy last week, I told him, "If you can tell me where pretzels come from, this one is free!" He told me, and I gave him his money back! He was Jewish. Come on, where do pretzels come from? All Jewish people know this!

Daughter: We're not observant.

--34th & 6th

July 09, 2005
If Only He Could See What He Was Saying

A blind Black man with a Star of David is holding court.

Black man: The Pope is a faggot. They molested my kids. I want to go to church, but I can't because they molested my kids...now all White people are faggots.

Hispanic guy #1: How come they have kids?

Black man: Silence, you will wait until I have finished speaking...can't no one hit the ball like Hank Aaron. That's why we all in prison and they trying to kill us, but we will kill them. Can't nobody sing like Luther Vandross.

Hispanic guy #1: But--

Black man: Wait until I have finished...now the Hispanic people, like Dominicans and Cubans are also the true Jews, and the lost tribes of Israel...now you may address me.

Hispanic guy #2: What about Black Puerto Ricans, are they from the lost tribe?

Black man: I can't stand Black Puerto Ricans!

--West Farms bus stop, The Bronx

You Said It, Brother

Yuppie #1: She had a great rack.

Yuppie #2: Couldn't have been real.

Yuppie #1: Yeah, no way.

Yuppie #2: So you're a rack guy, huh?

Yuppie #1: Nah, I'm an ass.

--18th & 5th

Get the RuFoucalt Out of Here

HS girl #1: I have a question. No. She gotta question, but she makin' me ask you for her because she embarrassed. What's "drag school"? Thas where you go to learn howda be a drag queen?

Teacher guy: What? Drag school?

HS girl #2: Yeah, you said you was leavin' us because you gotta go to drag school.

Teacher guy: Grad school. I am leaving you because I am going to grad school.

--Prospect Park BBQ

Iubitul
Jul 11 2005 09:29 AM

I love RSS feeds...

ScarletKnight41
Jul 11 2005 11:10 AM

What exactly is RSS?

Iubitul
Jul 19 2005 09:25 PM

This is not for the faint of heart.

You have been warned...

http://www.biteycastle.com/taken.htm

ScarletKnight41
Jul 20 2005 11:31 AM

ScarletKnight41
Jul 26 2005 03:19 PM

D-Dad teaching me golf....


Willets Point
Jul 28 2005 03:17 PM

metirish
Jul 28 2005 03:24 PM

classic...

ScarletKnight41
Jul 30 2005 10:58 AM

[url=http://www.lemonizer.com/banana/]Badgerphone[/url]

metirish
Aug 03 2005 10:42 AM

Sandgnat
Aug 03 2005 11:00 AM

[url]www.thebrushback.com[/url]

Willets Point
Aug 03 2005 05:58 PM

Airtoons

metirish
Aug 10 2005 01:15 PM





Rockin' Doc
Aug 11 2005 01:14 PM



Notice how all the guys are checking out Sharapova, with the exception of the guy on the far right. I think we have our candidate for the most likely to be gay member of the grounds staff.

metsmarathon
Aug 11 2005 01:51 PM

oh, come now. you could easily tell by his strut.

Willets Point
Aug 12 2005 11:18 AM

Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier

Laws Pertaining to the Living Room

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say.

Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

Complaints and Lamentations

O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout “stupid-head” and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask straightaway, “Can I come out?” and I reply, “No, you may not come out.” And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before. For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know. For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.

Edgy DC
Aug 12 2005 12:22 PM

  • And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.


  • Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.


  • Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?
I applaud these. Indeed I applaud his whole notion.

ScarletKnight41
Aug 12 2005 11:33 PM

[url=http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/waffles]Do You Like Waffles?[/url]

Willets Point
Aug 16 2005 07:08 AM

http://www.idrewthis.org/2005/bigotry.gif

Rockin' Doc
Aug 22 2005 08:38 PM

Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
_______________________________

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
___________________________________

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -

1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Thus ends your two minute management course!

Rockin' Doc
Aug 23 2005 07:01 PM

Who brought the nearsighted kid to the pool?


I'm clearing space in my schedule tomorrow for this little guy. He obviously needs serious help.

seawolf17
Aug 26 2005 09:07 AM

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!! "

Rockin' Doc
Aug 26 2005 08:56 PM

The girlfriend must have been a blonde.

cooby
Aug 26 2005 09:00 PM

Naturally. Get it?

seawolf17
Aug 26 2005 09:19 PM

I actually took "blonde" out of the joke b/c I didn't want to affend the blondes on the board.

Rockin' Doc
Aug 26 2005 09:51 PM

I don't get offended by blonde jokes. People tell them to me all the time. It just seemed like a natural fit for your joke.

MFS62
Aug 29 2005 11:51 AM

Jeff Foxworthy, who rose to fame with his "You could be a redneck" routine (and the books and videos that followed) has a new schtik.

"Men,
if your bed has ruffles around the edge and at least seven pillows

OR

if you can't remember that last time you had sex with a woman

you could be gay... OR... you could be married"

Later

Edgy DC
Aug 29 2005 12:12 PM

I've never seen so many pillows.

MFS62
Aug 29 2005 12:26 PM

Come to my house.
I'm married.

Later

Willets Point
Aug 29 2005 12:33 PM

Tea & Cake or Death

cooby
Aug 29 2005 12:37 PM

Thanks, :)

Frayed Knot
Sep 01 2005 11:43 PM

Best Letterman joke from the other night following the story that one of the 5 or so pairs of 'Ruby Slippers' from The Wizard of Oz had been stolen from a museum display:

"The suspects should be considered armed and fabulous"

seawolf17
Sep 02 2005 10:46 AM

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

ScarletKnight41
Sep 02 2005 12:29 PM

Thanks seawolf - both of my sons enjoyed that one :)

Sandgnat
Sep 07 2005 10:14 AM

[url]http://www.thebrushback.com/[/url]

seawolf17
Sep 10 2005 06:57 PM

A boy sits down with the judge in his parents' divorce battle. "Son, you're going to need to decide who you'd like to live with. Would you like to live with your mom?"

"No," the boy cried. "She beats me."

"Well, we'll have to place you with your father, then," the judge replied.

"No," the boy cried louder. "My father beats me too."

"Well, then, who will you live with?" the judge asked.

The boy thought for a second, then replied, "I'd like to live with the Mets. They never beat anybody."

ScarletKnight41
Sep 14 2005 01:17 PM

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO'S COMPUTER CONVERSATION

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and not too
old
to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of
us
who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch,"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4.
Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.


COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What
do
I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I clic! k the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

SwitchHitter
Sep 14 2005 03:34 PM

Bush clarified his position on Roe v. Wade earlier today.

He said he doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

MFS62
Sep 16 2005 07:11 PM

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand, smiled and said hello to him.

He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he cannot place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says. "Are you that strip-o-gram at my bachelor party that screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

Willets Point
Sep 30 2005 06:29 AM

Willets Point
Sep 30 2005 11:32 AM

Edgy DC
Sep 30 2005 11:49 AM

Damon needs some more Queer Eye.

Centerfield
Sep 30 2005 12:15 PM

Chewy's a lefty? Sign him NOW!!!!

soupcan
Sep 30 2005 02:27 PM

In keeping with the Star Wars theme...

[url=http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/31791/details/]Rare Star Wars screen tests.[/url]

Rockin' Doc
Oct 01 2005 01:27 PM

Can Chewbacca play first base? A big left hander with his obvious power could be a great addition to the line up.

Centerfield
Oct 03 2005 11:00 PM

Han asked him to try first base a few years back (the Wookie is not getting any younger) but it was a disaster and this year has gone back to being Co-Pilot of the Millenium Falcon.

Personally, I think they gave up on him too early.

Edgy DC
Oct 03 2005 11:10 PM

He's been kind of keeping to himself ever since that Post columnist speculated about his man-purse.

TheOldMole
Oct 05 2005 09:11 PM

My grandson has informed me, with some pride, that he shares a birthday with Lou Costello.

Frayed Knot
Oct 05 2005 10:23 PM

So do I (although I'm really not all that prideful about it).

Valadius
Oct 05 2005 10:32 PM

I share a birthday with Todd Pratt.

Willets Point
Oct 06 2005 09:46 AM

I share a birthday with Chloe Sevigny and Mickey Mouse.

Meanwhile...

A miraculous resurrection at my alma mater.

SwitchHitter
Oct 06 2005 01:45 PM

I share a birthday with Happy Felsch, [url=http://www.ultimatemets.com/profile.php?PlayerCode=0489]Darrin Jackson[/url], Carl Yastrzemski, Paul Molitor and Ray Bradbury.

cooby
Oct 06 2005 01:53 PM

George and I were separated at birth (though I was born a few years earlier)

cooby
Oct 06 2005 01:57 PM

Okay, I am not a celebrity watcher, but if I thought there was half a chance I might run into one, I sure as heck wouldn't wear this shirt

TheOldMole
Oct 06 2005 04:22 PM

Al Gore, Ed Marinaro, Cesar Chavez, Jack Johnson, Rene Descartes. And an exact birthdate with Barney Frank.

Also the date Ron Swoboda traded (don't like that one), Ray Sadecki signed as a free agent,

TheOldMole
Oct 20 2005 06:48 PM

The [URL=http://www.newyorker.com/talk/content/articles/051024ta_talk_singer]Harriet Meirs[/URL] blog,

Willets Point
Oct 22 2005 04:39 PM

ScarletKnight41
Oct 30 2005 12:20 PM

The [url=http://www.pconline.com.cn/pcedu/carton/mtv/0401/299534.html]Carrots of Love[/url] always make me smile.

Willets Point
Nov 01 2005 03:12 PM

Shakespearean Insulter.

Centerfield
Nov 02 2005 10:41 AM

Speaking of Song Parodies:

http://www.arnoldsneighborhood.com/index.html

ScarletKnight41
Nov 02 2005 11:28 AM

seawolf17
Nov 02 2005 04:27 PM

Run, don't walk, over to espn.com and watch Mike Tyson and Bobby Brown singing "Monster Mash" on Kimmel. It's a train wreck, a Gong Show nightmare gone horribly wrong.

Willets Point
Nov 04 2005 02:23 PM

I admit it. I'm an addict of Sid Meier's Civilization PC game, and if I had a computer that could handle the graphics better I'd probably end up like one of the people in this movie:

http://www.gametrailers.com/player.php?id=6302&type=mov

ScarletKnight41
Nov 04 2005 03:57 PM

ScarletKnight41
Nov 07 2005 03:21 PM

Willets Point
Nov 07 2005 04:46 PM

"Today I was paid to eat two donuts, drink three cups of cofee and post a song parody about Choo Choo Coleman online."

metsmarathon
Nov 07 2005 05:26 PM

civilization was my first computer addiction. it was soon followed up by scorched earth, then the internet.

oh, how i loved civilization. i once unleashed enough nuclear weapons trying to defeat the hated zulus that by 2500 AD, i had reduced the planet to a marshland interspersed with high mountains. it was great. until the game froze and i cried for days.

metirish
Nov 15 2005 02:57 PM



She's a real catch huh?

Valadius
Nov 15 2005 03:10 PM

Hahaha, the camel is smoking...

Willets Point
Nov 15 2005 03:14 PM

="metirish"]

She's a real catch huh?


{clueless} Who is Sajida Krishawi? {/clueless}

Nymr83
Nov 15 2005 03:20 PM

the woman whose husband was one of the suicide bombers in jordan, she was going to do it with him but her bomb failed to go off.

Valadius
Nov 15 2005 03:50 PM

Oh yeah...

Rockin' Doc
Nov 15 2005 11:01 PM

Nothing says "I love you" like a double suicide bombing.

ScarletKnight41
Nov 22 2005 11:49 AM

[url=http://www.stevegarwood.com/sshh/]Sshh'ing Librarian[/url]

seawolf17
Nov 22 2005 12:55 PM



I used to check [url=http://www.engrish.com]engrish.com[/url] practically daily; it's been a few weeks since I last visited, but some of this stuff is laugh-out-loud hysterical.

metirish
Nov 23 2005 11:33 AM

Very funny Wolf...

ScarletKnight41
Nov 23 2005 02:36 PM

[url=http://supergeeks.smackjeeves.com/comics/]Super Geeks[/url]

Johnny Dickshot
Nov 27 2005 07:39 AM

The comedy stylings of Sung Hee Park -- (some language unsafe for adults).

[url]http://www.sungheepark.com/html/media.html[/url]



(Sung Hee Park is actually Suzanne Whang, who you might recognize as the perky host of TV's "House Hunters") Who knew?

metirish
Nov 30 2005 11:25 AM

I love this story....what were his parents thinking?...

]

Nov 28 2005


MANCHESTER, N.H.

You'd think that just working at a Wendy's restaurant would be difficult for Ronald MacDonald. Now, the 22-year-old MacDonald _ no relation to Ronald McDonald, the clown _ has been charged with stealing money from a safe at the Wendy's.

Police said the restaurant manager called police early Monday, saying he found MacDonald and another employee taking money from the safe at about 1:30 a.m.

MacDonald and Steve Lemay, 20, both of Manchester, were detained at the store until police arrived.

sharpie
Nov 30 2005 11:35 AM

Proof that Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar were the same person all along.

A Boy Named Seo
Nov 30 2005 11:56 AM

Stop me if you've heard this one...

So did you hear that Mickey Mouse hired a divorce attorney?

That's right, he did.

So the divorce lawyer says to him, he says, "So, Mr. Mouse, let me get this straight, you'd like to file for divorce on the grounds of insanity, right?"

And Mickey Mouse says to him, he says, "No, I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

metirish
Nov 30 2005 11:59 AM

LOL...I love it Seo...

soupcan
Dec 02 2005 11:05 AM

I thought it would be fun to post pictures of ourselves.

I'll start...



metirish
Dec 02 2005 11:22 AM

I only see a red x

seawolf17
Dec 02 2005 11:27 AM

Be glad, irish.

Willets Point
Dec 02 2005 11:29 AM

I see nothing.

MFS62
Dec 02 2005 12:14 PM

The author is a professional comedy writer, not a political commentator.
This one fires at both sides of the aisle, so I didn't put it in the politics thread. Enjoy,
Later
****************************************************************


Field of Hallucinations

By TOM RUPRECHT
Published: December 2, 2005

Mr. Richardson said that "after being notified of the situation and after researching the matter" he had come "to the conclusion that I was not drafted by the A's."
- The Associated Press, Nov. 25

YES, Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico had to embark on an exhaustive fact-finding mission to determine whether or not he was ever a major-league baseball player. (And we wonder why nothing gets done in government.)

But in Mr. Richardson's defense, we've all been there. I can't tell you the number of times I had to stop what I was doing and ask myself: "Wait, am I on the Cleveland Indians? Do I have a game this evening?" One night last summer, I recall watching a Colorado Rockies game and staring at the pitcher for several minutes, wondering, "Is that me?"

Reporters now sense blood and are scouring officials' résumés. This has prompted some other politicians who embellished their biographies to come clean. Howard Dean, the Democratic Party chairman, concedes he may not have been a member of the Beatles. "I have distinct memories of singing 'Penny Lane' and 'Rocky Raccoon,' but whether I did that as a member of the Beatles or in my dorm room, I am unable to determine at this time," Mr. Dean says. Scientists studying Beatles albums find no evidence of Mr. Dean's voice, though they do note that there is one scream on "Helter Skelter" that could be his.

Vice President Dick Cheney confirms his official biography is mistaken, and that he is not an eight-time winner of the Boston Marathon. Mr. Cheney awards Halliburton a no-bid contract to redo his biography.

Senator John Kerry admits that he may not be president of the United States as he had told friends, foreign leaders and Red Lobster hostesses. The senator explains his confusion this way: "I clearly recall being introduced as 'the next president of the United States' on several occasions during the summer and fall of 2004." Mr. Kerry had been able to work in the Oval Office uninterrupted for nearly eight weeks this past summer before President Bush finally showed up and noticed him.

Senator Robert Byrd grants that he may not have ever been named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. Mr. Byrd, 88, says, "I remember leafing through People magazine once in a dentist's office, and I recall my prom date telling me I looked 'nice.' It's entirely possible I conflated these two events." Mr. Byrd then rips off his shirt while barking, "But look at these abs and tell me you've ever seen a finer hunk of man!"

Harry Reid, the Senate minority leader, announces he's no longer sure he was actually the first man to walk on the moon. The admission comes after years of acrimony between Senator Reid and Neil Armstrong. "You look at photos of the moon landing and it sort of resembles how I think I would kind of look in a spacesuit," Mr. Reid says. "People tell me that all the time. I do have very vivid memories of seeing the earth from high above, but I now realize I may have been on a Ferris wheel."

With others in Washington rewriting their biographies, former House majority leader Tom DeLay asserts his claim that he is the pope. The recently indicted pontiff denounces his colleagues' dishonesty and proclaims himself "saddened" by the state of politics before jetting off with former lobbyist Jack Abramoff for missionary work in Cancún.

Tom Ruprecht is a writer for the "Late Show with David Letterman."

OlerudOwned
Dec 02 2005 05:27 PM

ScarletKnight41
Dec 03 2005 02:26 PM

cooby
Dec 04 2005 11:43 AM

soupcan has really left himself go...what a shame, he looked so cute in that bean shirt, too

OlerudOwned
Dec 04 2005 12:29 PM


Another one of my favorite comics, [url=http://cheston.com/pbf/archive.html]Perry Bible Fellowship[/url] Don't put any stock in the name, I dont get it either, but the comic itself is absurd and quite funny.

soupcan
Dec 07 2005 01:29 PM




Shit about Chuck Norris

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

metirish
Dec 07 2005 01:33 PM

LOL....that is so freaking funny.....

soupcan
Dec 07 2005 01:44 PM

Yeah, right? I came across that and was dying.

Elster88
Dec 07 2005 01:51 PM

Oh my god. Laughing at work is not good.

cooby
Dec 07 2005 01:54 PM

Everybody is used to me laughing at odd times.

This part is my favorite:

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

seawolf17
Dec 07 2005 01:58 PM

]Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

This is going to be stuck in my head all day.

Willets Point
Dec 07 2005 01:59 PM

OMG is that true?!?!

soupcan
Dec 07 2005 02:02 PM

Willets Point wrote:
OMG is that true?!?!


Ask Chuck Norris - If you want a roundhouse kick to he face that is.

metirish
Dec 07 2005 02:03 PM

]Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.


I just can't stop laughing...

Elster88
Dec 07 2005 02:05 PM

My favorites are the brick wall, the erection, and the crop circles.

Johnny Dickshot
Dec 07 2005 02:13 PM

The first one was the best.

Willets Point
Dec 09 2005 02:41 PM

Tis the season to be frightened!

OlerudOwned
Dec 09 2005 02:51 PM

Most of that Chuck Norris stuff was taken off of the [url=http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty]Chuck Norris[/url] and [url=http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php?topthirty]Vin Diesel[/url] Random Fact Generators.

My personal favorites:
"If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives.""
"When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead."
"Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink."
"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."
"Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear."
"Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress."

Valadius
Dec 09 2005 02:55 PM

My roommate has taped three sheets of printed-out "facts" from the Mr. T Random Fact Generator on our door.

cooby
Dec 09 2005 02:56 PM

Willets Point wrote:
Tis the season to be frightened!



Oh yeah, I've got a similar one with my daughter and Santa

Edgy DC
Dec 09 2005 03:04 PM

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Frayed Knot
Dec 09 2005 04:31 PM

I've had guys come up to me on the streets - always black guys for whatever reason - to tell me I looked like Chuck Norris. Happened at least 3 or 4 times.
I guess all us blondish, bearded guys look alike.

ScarletKnight41
Dec 10 2005 06:29 PM

[url=http://hannes.domainplanet.at/fusi/BunnySuicide/Bunny%20suicides.html]Bunny Suicides[/url]

Iubitul
Dec 10 2005 08:53 PM

ok - you followed Chuck Norris with bunny suicides?

I was expecting one of them to be roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.

ScarletKnight41
Dec 10 2005 10:49 PM

You want to see a bunny roundhoused by Chuck Norris? Draw it, then!

OlerudOwned
Dec 10 2005 10:50 PM

Oh man, I havent seen Bunny Suicides in forever. Excellent stuff.

ScarletKnight41
Dec 12 2005 07:52 PM

[url=http://www.starz.com/features/christmasstory/]A Christmas Story, Performed by Bunnies in 30 Seconds[/url]

soupcan
Dec 13 2005 09:11 AM

Bad, and possibly posted here before but what the hey...


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic alcoholic walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

15. And finally, there was the person who posted fifteen different puns on a forum, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make people laugh. No pun in ten did.

KC
Dec 14 2005 08:19 PM

Not for everyone, but it's a pretty amusing take on what xmas has become ....

http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html

seawolf17
Dec 15 2005 04:14 PM

Ooh, weird. I missed KC's post yesterday and I was just opened this thread to post the same thing. That would have been bizarre.

Funny as hell, but not for those who are offended by the eff-word.

ScarletKnight41
Dec 15 2005 08:20 PM

[url=http://www.angryalien.com/]Here is the motherlode[/url] of movies performed in 30 seconds by Bunnies.

OlerudOwned
Dec 15 2005 10:12 PM

[url=http://spamusement.com/]Spamusement![/url]
Little comics that take actaully headlines from spam e-mails and make little scenerios for them.

"no more tickets!"

SwitchHitter
Dec 16 2005 02:14 PM

[url=http://www.miniclip.com/winterworkout/game/]Santa's Winter Workout[/url]

Elster88
Dec 20 2005 02:08 PM

[url=http://www.angryalien.com/1205/starwarsbuns.asp]Star Wars, reenacted by bunnies, now available.[/url]

ScarletKnight41
Dec 22 2005 07:45 AM

ScarletKnight41
Dec 25 2005 09:49 AM

Willets Point
Jan 03 2006 10:49 PM

Lazy Sunday.

seawolf17
Jan 04 2006 09:23 AM

We almost never watch SNL anymore (pregnant wife + 9:30 pm = bedtime), but we actually stayed up and caught that one when it was on. Hilarious.

Edgy DC
Jan 04 2006 09:32 AM

That'll still be buffering when I'm old and gray, but I found it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=zLElfJ9YCh0

ScarletKnight41
Jan 04 2006 10:19 AM

I know that theater - it's across the street from my old apartment.

We barely stay up for SNL anymore. MK has another three and a half years of religious school on Sunday mornings - after that we'll be able to stay up late on Saturdays again.

Funny stuff - thanks :)

seawolf17
Jan 05 2006 12:23 PM

Hard to believe Mitch Hedberg has been gone almost a year... I've had this in my head all morning:

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names. They say, "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes."

Willets Point
Jan 05 2006 01:24 PM

This is no game.

Frayed Knot
Jan 05 2006 01:50 PM

My problem isn't staying up for SNL, it's that the occasional times I do
tune in I find the show to be really, really bad.
And not just really, really bad, but embarrassingly so.

Some day the show will die and there'll be big tearful farewells in the
media as there was for Monday Night Football. Except that MNF lost
it's "special-ness" about 2 decades ago and was a shadow of it's former
self by the time the network put a bullet through it's head.
SNL is in the same boat but to an even larger extent. MNF simply
became ordinary and was no longer worth the money and prime-time time
slot it was commanding. SNL is simply awful IMO and I cetainly wouldn't
reccomend looking forward to a time where you'll be able to see it again.
The show's been dead for years, they just haven't had the funeral yet.

Willets Point
Jan 09 2006 11:10 AM

A few days late for Epiphany, but:

"Three Wise Women
Would have asked directions
Arrived on time
Helped deliver the baby
Brought practical gifts
Cleaned the stable
Made a casserole
And there would be peace on Earth."

MFS62
Jan 09 2006 11:17 AM

Willets Point wrote:
And there would be peace on Earth."


If that happened, most of the Miss America contestants would have nothing to say.

Later

Willets Point
Jan 10 2006 10:36 AM

Chuck Norris found out about "Shit about Chuck Norris" and now someone is going to get a roundhouse kick.

Edgy DC
Jan 11 2006 09:19 AM

That's one wicked butterfly stomp of self-promotion.

ScarletKnight41
Jan 15 2006 11:58 AM

[url=http://www.homestarrunner.com/trogday.html]Happy Birthday Trogdor![/url]

ScarletKnight41
Jan 26 2006 04:48 PM

[url=www.googlefight.com]Google Fights[/url]

Willets Point
Jan 26 2006 04:54 PM

Obvious.

seawolf17
Jan 26 2006 06:28 PM

Hey, neat! I kicked my wife's butt in a googlefight, 24,600-545. Awesome.

Edgy DC
Jan 30 2006 05:52 PM

"Because he's gay, that's why."

ScarletKnight41
Jan 30 2006 07:36 PM

[url=http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail143.html]An Alternative Theory to Technology[/url]

Kind of like "Intelligent Design" is an alternative theory to Darwinism ;)

Willets Point
Jan 30 2006 07:50 PM

="Edgy DC"]"Because he's gay, that's why."


Let me be the first to say, "Scarlett, I'm gay!"

Willets Point
Feb 02 2006 02:07 PM

You need Panexa!

Willets Point
Feb 03 2006 12:11 PM

Brokeback to the Future

ScarletKnight41
Feb 03 2006 12:15 PM

OMG - that was hysterical!

seawolf17
Feb 03 2006 12:20 PM

That was outstanding.

soupcan
Feb 03 2006 12:22 PM

Great find Willets.

Loved it.

Elster88
Feb 03 2006 12:31 PM

youtube.com is a great site.

Elster88
Feb 03 2006 12:33 PM
Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Feb 03 2006 12:44 PM

They did this bit for a second time on Leno yesterday. It was enough to make me look up the first time. Yesterday's was funnier, but this one isn't bad.

[url]http://www.youtube.com/w/Jay-Leno-Phony-Photo-Booth?v=vEWLwz6JRNE&search=leno%20photo%20booth[/url]

(I recommend hitting pause in the lower left corner of the tv screen that pops up and letting it load. You can tell when it's loaded because the bar along the bottom of the tv screen turns a medium gray.)

Elster88
Feb 03 2006 12:39 PM

Also, if you click on the largest of the three squares on the lower right of the tv screen, you can get a full page view. (You'll have to ALT-TAB switch to switch out of it though, and use your Task Manager to close it out.) And full page isn't always better, obviously, if the image is badly distorted.

ScarletKnight41
Feb 03 2006 04:24 PM

I know why Marge Simpson fantasizes about [url=http://www.brawnyman.com/innocentescapes/indexbroadband.html]this guy[/url]

Edgy DC
Feb 03 2006 04:34 PM

I vote "Not so hot."

Willets Point
Feb 03 2006 04:35 PM

He's up to something with all that smooth talk.

metirish
Feb 14 2006 12:54 PM

Very funny from the Onion.

[url=http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45116]War in Iraq[/url]

seawolf17
Feb 14 2006 01:53 PM

Gotta stop by "[url=http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/]Overheard in New York[/url]" more often:

Woman #1: This train goes really fast!
Woman #2: They don't run it as often, I think because they're afraid people might jump in front of it.
Woman #1: Oh my god! Who could be that depressed? Take some pills, for Christ's sake.
Woman #2: I'm surprised it's such a problem here, I mean, duh, you got all these tall buildings.
Woman #1: Well, any building--
Woman #2: No, you gotta go up at least 17 stories to be sure, otherwise you just end up in a wheelchair which is, duh, super-depressing.
Woman #1: 17 stories!
Woman #2: Maybe 15 for you, you weigh more than me.

-4 Train


Chick #1: NYU is taking over the city. Soon they're gonna have to
start calling it "New York" City.
Chick #2: It's already called New York City!

-4th & Broadway

MFS62
Feb 16 2006 02:42 PM

A beautiful young woman gets shipwrecked and washes up on the beach of a small tropical island.
A man comes over to her and asks if she's all right.
She says she is, then asks him how she might be rescued.
He tells her that he has been marooned there for over five years; no ships have passed in that time.
She asks him how he has survived for so long.
He replies that the weather is temperate, so there's no need for heavy clothing. He weaves his from the foliage and vines on the island. There is drinking water from a mountain stream, fruit trees and, for protein, he digs for clams.
She notices that beneath the beard, he really isn't bad looking. So she asks him what he does for sex.
He says that he has been there so long, he has forgotten what that was.
She is so happy that she has come to an apparently idyllic place that she pulls him down on top of her and "shows him".

When they're done, she notices the expression on his face asks him how it was.
He says,"It was OK I guess. But you've ruined my clam digger".

Later

seawolf17
Feb 16 2006 03:33 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

MFS62
Feb 16 2006 04:26 PM

A guy's Company transfers him to their office in Northern Canada. Since he knows he'll be there for at least one year, he decides to make some friends. So he walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm new in town. What do I have to do to be treated like a local"?

The bartender tells him, 'You have to do three things; drink a gallon of Canadian whiskey, kill a bear with a knife, and make love to an Eskimo woman".

The guy drinks down the whiskey and staggers out of the bar.
He returns two hours later, all tattered and torn. The bartender asks what happened. The guy replies, "Two down. Now where's that Eskimo woman I have to kill"?

Later

ScarletKnight41
Feb 17 2006 11:28 AM
Edited 2 time(s), most recently on Feb 19 2006 09:34 PM

[url=http://www.popdrain.com/videos/cheneyhuntgame.swf]Dick Cheney Shooting Game[/url]

Elster88
Feb 17 2006 11:50 AM

No Gary Carter avatar?

Edgy DC
Feb 17 2006 11:51 AM

On order. On order.

Willets Point
Feb 17 2006 01:34 PM

America's Finest Plural Clothing.

Willets Point
Feb 17 2006 01:53 PM

ScarletKnight41 wrote:
[url=http://www.popdrain.com/videos/cheneyhuntgame.swf]The Dick Cheney Shooting Game[/url]


This is reminiscent of the David Beckham Penalty Kick game where every shot he takes goes over the net and out of the stadium.

MFS62
Feb 17 2006 01:56 PM

Willets Point wrote:
America's Finest Plural Clothing.


That's a flashback to when the girl's parents came home early.

Later

Willets Point
Feb 21 2006 03:26 AM

Bunnies. King Kong. You know the drill.

Willets Point
Feb 21 2006 03:29 AM

There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he heard the man growl. Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him. Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish." and the man replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

ScarletKnight41
Feb 23 2006 03:49 PM

ScarletKnight41
Feb 24 2006 10:12 AM

[url=http://www.colbertnation.com/colbertnation/]Colbert Nation[/url]

A Colbert Report Fan Site


[url=http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_colbert_report/index.jhtml]The Colbert Report's Official Show Site[/url]

ScarletKnight41
Feb 26 2006 10:54 PM

ScarletKnight41
Feb 28 2006 10:45 PM

In honor of the season, a SNL Weekend Update Classic -



Chevy Chase:
Last week we made the comment that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Now here to reply is our chief meteorologist, John Belushi, with a seasonal report.

John Belushi:
Thank you Chevy. Well, another winter is almost over and March true to form has come in like a lion, and hopefully will go out like a lamb. At least that's how March works here in the United States.
But did you know that March behaves differently in other countries? In Norway, for example, March comes in like a polar bear and goes out like a walrus. Or, take the case of Honduras where March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a salt marsh harvest mouse.
Let's compare this to the Maldive Islands where March comes in like a wildebeest and goes out like an ant. A tiny, little ant about this big.
[holds thumb and index fingers a small distance apart]
Unlike the Malay Peninsula where March comes in like a worm-eating fernbird and goes out like a worm-eating fernbird. In fact, their whole year is like a worm-eating fernbird.
Or consider the Republic of South Africa where March comes in like a lion and goes out like a different lion. Like one has a mane, and one doesn't have a mane. Or in certain parts of South America where March swims in like a sea otter, and then it slithers out like a giant anaconda.
There you can buy land real cheap, you know. And there's a country where March hops in like a kangaroo, and stays a kangaroo for a while, and then it becomes a slightly smaller kangaroo. Then, then, then for a couple of days it's sort of a cross between a, a frilled lizard and a common house cat.

[Chevy Chase tries to interrupt him]

Wait wait wait wait. Then it changes back into a smaller kangaroo, and then it goes out like a, like a wild dingo. Now, now, and it's not Australia! Now, now, you'd think it would be Australia, but it's not!

[Chevy Chase tries to interrupt him]

Now look, pal! I know a country where March comes in like an emu and goes out like a tapir. And they don't even know what it means! All right? Now listen, there are nine different countries, where March comes in like a frog, and goes out like a golden retriever. But that- that's not the weird part! No, no, the weird part is, is the frog. The frog- The weird part is-

[has seizure and falls off chair]

Elster88
Mar 03 2006 11:07 AM

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mTtBngn1Ns&search=dancing%20dog]A remake of the final scene from Grease[/url]

ScarletKnight41
Mar 03 2006 04:25 PM

I think that dog does a better job than Travolta <g>

ScarletKnight41
Mar 17 2006 11:41 PM

[url=http://img252.echo.cx/img252/8159/006wo.swf]Do Not Press This Button![/url]

Willets Point
Apr 10 2006 04:35 PM

Someone wants to put Rockin' Doc out of work.

ScarletKnight41
Apr 25 2006 04:53 PM

[url=http://www.cleaninghunk.com/]What Women REALLY Want![/url]

Willets Point
Apr 25 2006 05:05 PM

Isn't that the plot of almost every porno movie?

ScarletKnight41
Apr 25 2006 05:30 PM

I wouldn't know. I haven't seen all that many porno movies.

Willets Point
Apr 25 2006 05:37 PM

Well, of course, I haven't either. I've just, you know, heard about it.

cooby
Apr 25 2006 05:41 PM

You might know, this doesn't work for me either. Come on suscom, get your servers working already.

ScarletKnight41
May 17 2006 01:12 PM

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1kqqMXWEFs]The Ten Commandments, From a Different Perspective[/url]

ScarletKnight41
May 17 2006 03:01 PM

[url=http://altoonacurve.com/news/?id=5227]Sports Promotion of the Times[/url]

Centerfield
May 17 2006 03:17 PM

A man is golfing with his wife, and another couple. He is having an incredible round, and by the time he reaches 18, he has a chance to finish under par. Unfortunately, he hits his tee shot into the woods. Resigned to punch out or take a stroke penalty, the man puts to bed his dream of finishing under par. His buddy will have nothing of it. He tells him this might be his only chance at such a score and convinces him to go for the green. The man gives in. He grabs his club and attempts to blast out of the woods. Unfortunately, the ball ricochets off a tree and hits his wife in the temple, killing her instantly. The distraught man gives up the game of golf.

Three years later, at the urging of his friends, he decides to give the game another shot. Again, he is golfing an amazing round, and again, he finds himself with a chance to finish under par. Unfortunately, on 18, he hooks his tee shot into the very same woods he found three years prior. When he announces he will take the stroke penalty, a nearby onlooker (not knowing what happened to the man many years ago) urges him to go for the green. "You don't understand, three years ago, I was in this exact situation and it resulted in tragedy," the man answered. "Oh, I'm sorry, said the onlooker, "what happened?" "It was terrible," the man explained, "I shot an 8."

Willets Point
May 17 2006 03:35 PM

ScarletKnight41 wrote:
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1kqqMXWEFs]The Ten Commandments, From a Different Perspective[/url]


Nice job, right down to the Romantics song. They only missed out on iincluding "I Got You" by James Brown.

This seems to be a trend in remixing movie trailers. Like West Side Story as a zombie movie.

Willets Point
May 17 2006 03:39 PM

Or this version of The Shining

Willets Point
May 17 2006 03:42 PM

Or Sleepless in Seattle.

Willets Point
May 17 2006 04:12 PM

Or the Queen Mother Lode at Youtube.

Edgy DC
May 17 2006 04:22 PM

Wow.

If nothing else it shows you how dumb, easy, and formulaic trailers can be.

Willets Point
May 22 2006 11:51 AM

Then there's Must Love Jaws.

ScarletKnight41
May 22 2006 11:57 AM

That is great - thanks Willets :)

Centerfield
May 22 2006 01:26 PM

Holy crap that was funny.

MFS62
May 22 2006 01:58 PM

A young girl was brought up in a very religious family. At the age of 18 she decides to join a convent. She goes to join one that is out in the desert in California. When she gets there, she is greeted by the Mother Superior who tells her that it is an agricultural order and that she must take a vow of silence to be a member. She girl agrees, and off into the fields she goes.

Five years later, she is summoned by the Mother Superior who tells her, "My child, you have worked hard and kept your vows. As a reward, you may speak two words".
The girl says, "Need coat".
The Mother Superior says, "Of course my child. You have worked hard and your coat is worn. Here is your new one. Now, bless you, and go back to the fields".

Five years later, she is again summoned by the Mother Superior who tells her, "My child, you have worked hard and kept your vows. As a reward, you may speak another two words".
The girl says, "Need shoes".
The Mother Superior says, "Of course my child. You have worked hard and your shoes are worn. Here is your new pair. Now, bless you, and go back to the fields".

Five years later, she is again summoned by the Mother Superior who tells her, "My child, you have worked hard and kept your vows. As a reward, you may speak another two words".
The girl says, "I Quit!"
The Mother Superior says, "We were expecting that. Ever since you've been here, all you've done is bitch, bitch, bitch."

seawolf17
May 22 2006 03:59 PM

Jim Breuer does [url=http://www.bobandtom.com/gen3/jim_breuer.htm]AC/DC[/url].

metsmarathon
May 23 2006 12:07 AM

[url=http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/060522&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab4pos3]linked[/url] in the announcer thread, but excerpted differently...

1. Outside the facility where Barbaro had surgery yesterday, well-wishers posted signs with sentiments such as: "Thank you, Barbaro," "We Love You Barbaro," "Good Luck, Barbaro" and "Believe in Barbaro." And if Barbaro hadn't been heavily sedated, I'm sure he would have posted a note of his own after surgery: "Thanks so much for the kind words. But I'm a [bleeping] horse, so I can't read, you stupid, stupid morons."[/url]

OlerudOwned
May 25 2006 04:41 PM

Back to the movie trailers, we have [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfwnEVCwqsM]Titanic 2: The Surface[/url].

Elster88
Jun 07 2006 12:53 PM
Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Jun 07 2006 01:41 PM

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdXTDovB9K8[/url]

When my cat was just a kitten he used to chase Mario up and down the screen. Very sad...we just put him down last week.

Edit: This video is not my cat.

Edgy DC
Jun 07 2006 12:57 PM

Very sorry.

MFS62
Jun 07 2006 01:17 PM

Sorry, 88.

Later

ScarletKnight41
Jun 07 2006 04:13 PM

My condolences Elster :(

ScarletKnight41
Jun 19 2006 08:07 AM

ScarletKnight41
Jun 19 2006 04:46 PM

[url=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4057591681481453187]Herding Cats[/url]

ScarletKnight41
Jun 23 2006 05:20 PM

ScarletKnight41
Jun 30 2006 08:53 PM

[url=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4971426701921585512&q=sushi+video]The Truth About Sushi[/url]

TheOldMole
Jul 04 2006 04:50 PM

[url=http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/]Cats that look like Hitler.[/url]

Willets Point
Jul 10 2006 01:55 AM

I once had cat with a black smudge below and just to the left of his nose. We called it "half-a-Hitler". Of course now this thread is Godwined.

And if that doesn't kill this thread, this will:

Happy Morning

MFS62
Jul 10 2006 02:32 PM

New Drug Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called
"Beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Willets Point
Jul 12 2006 07:20 PM

A monastery in the English countryside has fallen on hard times, and the monks decide to open a fish-and-chips restaurant.

A visitor comes across two monks working in the monastery kitchen in preparation for the restaurant's grand opening. The first monk fries the fish, the second one peels, slices, and fries the potatoes.

"What are you guys doing?" asks the visitor.

"Well," says the monk frying the fish, "I am the friar, and he is the chip monk."

metirish
Jul 13 2006 07:28 PM

mets talk pitching.

http://www.newsday.com/sports/baseball/mets/ny-harris-flash5,0,6659740.flash

TheOldMole
Jul 13 2006 07:44 PM

Great.

Edgy DC
Jul 17 2006 05:02 PM

Ask a ninja.

cooby
Jul 20 2006 02:55 PM

http://crazytelemarketer.ytmnd.com/


Hahah, my daughter knows how to cheer me up...listen to all of it and my apologies if this has already been posted.


Note: Listen at home with kids shut out of the room. Spouses are encouraged, though

Edgy DC
Jul 20 2006 02:56 PM

¡Viva, Coobissima!

ScarletKnight41
Jul 20 2006 08:25 PM

cooby wrote:
http://crazytelemarketer.ytmnd.com/


Hahah, my daughter knows how to cheer me up...listen to all of it and my apologies if this has already been posted.


Note: Listen at home with kids shut out of the room. Spouses are encouraged, though


OMG - that woman is nuts!

TheOldMole
Jul 28 2006 01:30 PM

[url=http://janus.astro.umd.edu/astro/impact/]Destroy the planet of your choice.[/url]

Willets Point
Jul 28 2006 01:49 PM



"I'm going to destroy your planet, it blocks my view of Venus."

Funny aside: The former Bishop of the Diocese of Richmond, VA sounded exactly like Marvin Martian. It was hard to get through mass without busting a gut.

cooby
Jul 28 2006 02:15 PM

Watch out, I just melted the polar ice cap and started a tidal wave!

TheOldMole
Jul 28 2006 06:44 PM

So what else is new?

We expected no less.

ScarletKnight41
Jul 29 2006 01:17 PM

metirish
Jul 30 2006 07:27 PM

Willets Point
Aug 02 2006 01:48 PM

Being Jackson Pollock

ScarletKnight41
Aug 10 2006 11:20 AM

[url=http://kittenwar.com/]Kitten War[/url]

Edgy DC
Aug 10 2006 11:37 AM

Kitten War is sort of how I imagine a BLC website to be.

"Sign o' the Times" vs. "One" -- click -- bam!

"Paranoid Android" vs. "Only Rock 'n' Roll" --- click --- bam!

Centerfield
Aug 11 2006 02:48 PM

Llamas on a Train

http://www.originalalamo.com/sites/2blanks/films.aspx

Willets Point
Aug 18 2006 12:27 AM

Bunnies of the Lost Ark.

metirish
Aug 20 2006 09:40 PM

I may have posted this before but Tommy Tiernan is a riot.


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

metirish
Aug 25 2006 07:55 PM

soupcan
Aug 30 2006 11:45 AM

[url=http://www.walkenclips.com/]Christopher Walken sound bites[/url]

One of my all-time favorite movie dialogues is the one between Walken and Dennis Hopper in 'True Romance'.

Listen to it (parts 1 and 2) on that site.

TheOldMole
Sep 06 2006 03:05 AM

http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

Drag to draw, click to change color

Willets Point
Sep 15 2006 12:26 PM

This is appropos for message boards too.

]> How many listmembers does it take to change a lightbulb?

>

> One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been

> changed.

>

> Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how

> the light bulb could have been changed differently.

>

> Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

>

> Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing

> light bulbs.

>

> Five to flame the spell checkers.

>

> Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

>

> Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ....

>

> Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

>

> Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the

> correct spelling.

>

> Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please

> take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

>

> Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light

> bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

>

> Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,

> where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best

> for this technique and what brands are faulty.

>

> Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

>

> Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the

> corrected URL.

>

> Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to

> this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

>

> Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety

> including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

>

> Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they

> cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

>

> Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

>

> Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting

> questions about light bulbs."

>

> Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

>

> AND

>

> One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with

> something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over again!

ScarletKnight41
Sep 27 2006 06:37 PM

Python ala Star Trek -

TheOldMole
Sep 27 2006 07:21 PM

Willets...no comparisons to Hitler?

ScarletKnight41
Sep 29 2006 05:33 PM

[url=http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/horoscope]A Fan Made Video of Weird Al's Horoscope Song[/url]

Willets Point
Oct 04 2006 01:56 PM

Funny cuz it's true.

ScarletKnight41
Oct 13 2006 09:25 AM

[url=http://www.newsfromme.com/archives/2006_10_13.html]Universal Studios Training Film?[/url]

Willets Point
Oct 13 2006 09:30 AM

ScarletKnight41 wrote:
[url=http://www.newsfromme.com/archives/2006_10_13.html]Universal Studios Training Film?[/url]


Ask for Babs.

Elster88
Oct 24 2006 11:07 PM

I'm so hip your Grandpa broke me.

TheOldMole
Oct 26 2006 10:22 AM

From Googleblog:


]
Q: What do zippers, baby oil, brassieres and trampolines have in common?

A: No, the answer isn't that they're all part of the setup for a highly inappropriate joke.


OK, here's the challenge. Come up with the joke.

MFS62
Oct 26 2006 11:10 AM

I don't know the punchline, but I'll start it:

A baby oiled transvestine bouncing on a trampoline pulls down the zipper on his/her sweater to reveal a brassiere.

Your turn...

Later

metsmarathon
Oct 26 2006 11:23 AM

what kind of yahoo would google on ask?

MFS62
Oct 26 2006 11:31 AM

metsmarathon wrote:
what kind of yahoo would google on ask?


An Explorer?

Later

metirish
Nov 01 2006 09:31 PM

Willets Point
Nov 15 2006 01:47 AM
Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Nov 15 2006 10:42 AM

This is hillarious:[url]http://www.improveverywhere.com/mission_view.php?mission_id=62[/url]. And the Yankees lost the game too.

seawolf17
Nov 15 2006 07:54 AM

Fix your HTML, but that's really funny. It'd be hard not to get caught up in it.

Edgy DC
Nov 15 2006 09:10 AM

That retarded chant is pretty sad.

Wow. Yankee fans found something more fun to do at Yankee games than booing A-Rod. Who'd have thought?

ScarletKnight41
Dec 08 2006 12:22 PM

The Running of the Squirrels -


Elster88
Dec 19 2006 12:07 PM

Where's all the stuff about Rudolph and Santa and reindeer and their attorneys?

Willets Point
Dec 19 2006 12:13 PM

It's a big ad.

Willets Point
Dec 19 2006 06:50 PM

Top ten modes of transport in cartoon history.

cooby
Dec 19 2006 10:31 PM



Today my boss suddenly started singing the "Scooby dooby doo" song.

Edgy DC
Dec 19 2006 10:49 PM

The old four-people-and-a-huge-dog in the front seat trick.

Centerfield
Dec 20 2006 03:15 PM

Elster88 wrote:
Where's all the stuff about Rudolph and Santa and reindeer and their attorneys?


Here:

http://p079.ezboard.com/fthecranepoolforumfrm21.showMessage?topicID=295.topic

ScarletKnight41
Dec 20 2006 03:17 PM

That always cracks me up :)

DocTee
Dec 20 2006 06:18 PM

Now let's get Valadius to re-post his "Twas the Night before Chrsitmas" parody...

ScarletKnight41
Dec 23 2006 08:11 AM

More on Rudolf -

cooby
Dec 23 2006 09:36 AM

I don't get it. Why is he naked? In front of kids?

ScarletKnight41
Dec 23 2006 10:37 AM

Ned is always naked. He's a nudist/civil libertarian.

cooby
Dec 23 2006 10:45 AM

Ohhh, so that's just how he always dresses.

ScarletKnight41
Dec 23 2006 10:50 AM

Yes.

Here's the [url=http://www.overduemedia.com/primer.aspx]Unshelved primer[/url].

metirish
Jan 18 2007 04:19 PM

For some reason it just got very quiet in the newsroom

ScarletKnight41
Feb 08 2007 06:37 PM

Here's an oldie. I was thinking about it, so I decided to look it up anew -

[url=http://www.rathergood.com/giantbee/]Blode and The Giant Bee[/url]

seawolf17
Feb 08 2007 07:08 PM

="metirish"]For some reason it just got very quiet in the newsroom



How did I miss this? That's freaking hysterical.

Edgy DC
Feb 08 2007 07:13 PM

I didn't think they particularly looked alike.